The Power and Importance of Retrospect

I believe that the origin of all substantial self-growth is found in self-reflection.

How can we possibly change who we are, and show up as our best selves, if we have no idea who that is, or who we have been?

Along with that, oftentimes we have a hard time noticing growth unless we have two points to compare.

It’s like looking back at an old photo of yourself and noticing the little things. Longer hair, maybe a bit taller than before. But details that wouldn’t have been discovered if you didn’t have the distance from the initial circumstance.

Recently I rewatched an old self-tape of mine for a project that, if booked, would have changed my life.

I’m talking five months shooting in Europe, a two-month press tour, and a big enough check to pay off my car and student loans.

So needless to say, I knew that I needed to put a lot of effort into the audition.

But when watching it back a few months later, I realized something.

I realized that it was shit.

I fumbled through a few lines, my eye lines were all off, and my movement was forced and jumpy.

Needless to say, I didn’t get a second call back.

But I remember the day I shot that audition very clearly.

It was the beginning of March, and I was leaving on a camping trip that next morning, getting back the day the tape was due.

I could either wait and shoot the tape the day I got back, risking not submitting in time, or shoot it the same day I received the sides, and throw together what I could do with a few hours to memorize, develop a character, and pull out an accent I hadn’t used since my Junior year production of Matilda.

And although neither situation was ideal, I decided to go for the latter, saying that submitting a rushed audition was better than not submitting at all.

So I did what I could, memorized the script to the best of my ability, did a little research for the character, and at 11 that night, I dragged my mom out of bed to be my reader.

We took two dozen takes, just trying to get through the scene right, without the sounds of siblings doing dishes in the background, my own stumbling through lines, or technical difficulties.

It was a gruelling process.

Not to mention the absolute atrocious nature of having a parent as your reader.

Imagine 3rd-grade math homework at the kitchen table, except instead of running the risk of getting a “Very Good” mark on your worksheet rather than an “Excellent”, your entire career and creative livelihood are at stake.

It usually ends in tears, or shouting, and an overwhelm only equivalent to a ten year old trying to learn long division.

But after many many takes, I decided that we had a shot that was good enough.

Whether it was the quality of work that determined this or just the fact that I could feel a stress ulcer developing in my gut, is up for interpretation.

So I submitted the audition, and three months later, I have yet to hear back.

(i.e. I didn’t book it.)

Now, having been auditioning for professional projects since I was 14 years old. Rejection is a familiar thing for me.

As an actor, rejection is a part of the work. You have to learn to not take it personally. All you can do is show up, do your best, and trust the process.

You have to love it. A lot.

But you can’t put your worth as an actor in what you book, or you’ll drive yourself mad.

The only thing you can control is your craft.

Some believe that acting is solely based on talent, but I, along with Uta Haugen, Anne Bogart, and any other acting master worth their time, understand that it is a skill, just like anything else, that can be practiced and developed.

But one thing that acting asks of you, that few other crafts do, is an understanding of self and a sort of metacognition beyond the average person.

Which is one reason I believe that retrospect and reflection are more impulsive for me than they are active processes.

Retrospect has allowed me to reflect on my actions, behaviors, and characteristics, and not only notice the positive change but incite it. It has allowed me to live my life more intentionally, and not be a passive participant in it.

There are a few steps which I take to practice the act of self-reflection.

The first is the documentation of the now.

Journalling, voice memos, writing poetry and prose. Getting to know my thoughts and feelings on an intimate level, and reflecting on what I believe is their purpose and motive are. Establishing a starting point to later reflect upon.

This process is unfiltered, uncurated, and as raw and truthful as I am capable of being

The second is taking time, and getting distance from my issues. Removing myself physically from the heat of it all.

Hiking, getting to the mountains, somewhere where my mind can calm, and my understanding can become clearer.

The third step is then to go in, and take into account the events of my past, without judgement, and with compassion for my past self.

And that last step is crucial. If we view our past actions, thoughts, or feelings through the lens of judgement, we will never be able to learn from them. Active empathy for every version of us is necessary for this process.

And then, after this intake is complete, a recognition of our growth and a reassessment of our goals is in order.

With my self-tape, after watching it, I not only was able to notice my many faults but go through with a fine-tooth comb, working out the kinks and underdeveloped areas of my craft. And I believe the same can be done with ourselves.

One profound example of this was going back through my notes app, months after a friendship of mine had recently come to an end. And although the loss of that situation was necessary and divinely timed, many hurt feelings remained unprocessed and needed some metabolization. After going back through my notes app, not only was I able to reflect on past events with a clearer understanding of what had occurred, without projecting my current hurt feelings onto the events, but I was also able to string the pieces together and recognize that what had occurred was for the best, and find the closure that I needed.

Retrospect allows us to see the bigger picture.

Like an impressionist painting, oftentimes what we need is distance, to take in what is happening. And through retrospect and self-reflection, we can learn from our pasts to better shape our futures.