Baby Blue

You are the reason I’ve befriended fear,

The reason why I know words without action fall flat

The reason why I know effort without planning and preparation leads to sore hands and empty bellies

The reason why I was able to breathe air that was never touched by my kin and find others to call such and invite them in

You are the reason why my grief had room to speak, and you held me through all of it

I say I hate you but there is more of you in me than I know what to do with and I have a knack for self harm and breaking things I love so I’m sorry that I ever called you mine

I know that I’ve written many love letters to those who have hurt me as a way of regaining control over my own narrative,

because I think that if I can swallow the smoke fast enough I’ll think I’m the one burning and I’d rather put out a fire from inside the house than watch it smoke at a distance

And I grew up with charcoal walls, so seeing your soot soiled skin reminded me of home

so now I just burn sage to rid myself of bad dreams and remind myself of you, as I pinch my thumb against the lighter, small and baby blue