EMDR
Over the last few years, I have been battling with the reproductions of an unstable upbringing. This isn't the first time I've mentioned this here, and most likely will not be the last.
For those who have experienced childhood trauma, that has resulted in PTSD or my case C-PTSD, (complex-post traumatic stress disorder), the process of healing from your upbringing, cannot only seem challenging but impossible.
Here today I will be outlining the last few years of my journey into trauma work, and with that, my experience with EMDR therapy, and how it has genuinely been my saving grace.
The first thing I will be diving into is what C-PTSD is, how it is developed, and how I was diagnosed with it.
Many of you may be familiar with PTSD. It is just what it stands for, copious amounts of stress, flashbacks, anxiety attacks, and many other symptoms accumulated after a traumatic event occurs. It is an absolute assault on the mind and body, particularly targeted at the nervous system and our body's somatic responses. It is usually caused by a single incident, that has a specific origin and endpoint.
C-PTSD on the other hand is a type of post-traumatic stress that has a more complex origin. Usually from either multiple events occurring in a short amount of time, or living in a chronically traumatic environment. The C stands for Complex, although I like to remember it as Chronic as well as usually originating in Childhood.
On healingandcptsd.com C-PTSD is differentiated from PTSD by the following characteristics
The trauma was inflicted by someone close to you.
The trauma was inflicted by someone who you continue to have to see on a regular basis.
The trauma was consistent and frequent.
“While C-PTSD’s causes can vary, at least one of these factors usually applies in arriving at the diagnosis.” The website states.
Listed as well on the website are the following symptoms common for people who have C-PTSD:
Difficulty regulating emotions
Loss of system of meaning or world views
Distorted perception of abuser(s)
Interpersonal difficulties
Interruptions in consciousness
Negative self-view
Cognitive distortions (dissociation)
To say the least, it can be a living hell. These symptoms are often overlapping, often with unknown or complex triggers, and often difficult to name, let alone cope with.
More information is available at the link above to help you understand this condition and its effects, but this post today will not be about the horrors that C-PTSD causes, but about my journey through it, and how I have begun to heal.
I was diagnosed with C-PTSD about a year ago. I had these consistent feelings of detachment, of not feeling real, not feeling anything at all, or feeling like the world around me was completely distorted. I had done plenty of research about these feelings and concluded that what I was experiencing were bouts of dissociation. Depersonalization and derealization to be specific. These feelings were terrifying and confusing, and no amount of grounding exercises or mindfulness could get rid of them.
Along with this, I was experiencing anxiety attacks, trouble sleeping, and copious amounts of fear, with no specific origin from my external environment.
So, I decided that I needed to talk to a therapist about these experiences.
Since this was my first time going to therapy since turning eighteen, I was not only given the standard questionnaire that I am used to filling out when speaking with mental health professionals, but was also presented with a new quiz.
It was called the ACE test. ACE stands for Adverse Childhood Experiences, and was a simple 10-question quiz asking about your experiences with an array of traumatic events before the age of eighteen.
If you have a score of 4 or more, you are not only very likely to have C-PTSD but also statistically more likely to experience many other mental and physical disorders throughout your adult life.
With a score of 4 or more, you are significantly more likely to battle alcoholism, drug abuse, depression, diabetes, obesity, heart disease, strokes, and even cancer.
So after adding up my points, and getting a result of a whopping 8/10, I felt a grave realization of the work I had ahead of me to heal, and fight for myself to have the life I knew I deserved.
I was terrified.
Simply getting the mental healthcare that I needed was a battle in and of itself, let alone the work that was to be done once that care was there.
I began seeing a therapist regularly, and although talk therapy is phenomenal, I knew that many dark places needed healing, and that talk therapy wouldn’t be able to help.
This was when I started EMDR.
EMDR stands for Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing. It is particularly effective for those who have any form of post-traumatic stress, especially that has resulted in physical symptoms.
A few of mine for example are ticking (rapid repetitive movements) when triggered, bouts of dissociation, emotional flashbacks (periods of intense overwhelming emotional responses that don’t match the situation at hand), and a constant nervous pit that resides in my stomach that has almost always been present in my body for the last few years of my life, simply coined “The Pit ™” by me and my friends.
As much talk therapy as I had had over the years, these physiological symptoms had persisted.
They’re exhausting, they’re inconvenient, and although I had done tons of work to work through my mental struggles, no matter what I did, these physical symptoms would not leave.
Only after I started EMDR did I begin to feel any sort of relief from these symptoms.
EMDR is a therapy that uses bilateral stimulation, usually either eye moment back and forth, tapping one leg and then another, or using buzzers held in each hand, to activate the prefrontal cortex of the mind while recalling negative memories, and then allowing the mind to reprocess the memories in a new, safe, environment.
It helps you recall traumatic memories that have been suppressed and replicates the processing that happens during REM sleep, allowing your mind and body to dissolve the disturbances that have been caused.
So what does EMDR look like?
EMDR has eight phases.
History Intake and Treatment Plan. This looks like regular talk therapy, speaking with your therapist about your trauma history, establishing a game plan of which areas of this history seem most disturbing, which areas will be targeted with the treatment, and generally establishing a relationship with your provider. This can take several sessions, and for me, several months to prepare for the next steps.
Preparation. This includes establishing a mental “calm safe space” that you can go to before, during, and after EMDR sessions, as negative feelings occur. It also included for me, and several people who I have spoken to, a visualization of a chest or box in which you imagine any unresolved trauma or negative feelings being stored in between sessions. This step is crucial in making sure you have the mental tools necessary before beginning the eye movement. This step can take a few sessions.
The Assessment Phase. This phase is where you decide which negative experience, emotion, belief, or bodily sensation you would like to focus on while the eye movements occur. This usually occurs right before beginning the bilateral stimulation.
Desensitization. This is where the eye movement occurs. For me, we started with a negative core belief, such as “I am unsafe”, and focused on the earliest time I felt this way. Then, after that memory was established, I would think of it while following my therapist's two fingers back and forth in front of me, creating the eye movement necessary for bilateral stimulation. As I did, another memory would come up.
Installing Positive Beliefs. After a minute or so of eye movement, you stop and talk about what images and feelings arose. We would talk about what belief was established during that memory, and allow for me to cognitively reprocess what had happened in my new, safe environment. We would then go back to eye movements, and allow for the next memory to come up. These two steps would be repeated back and forth for about 30-40 minutes.
Body Scan. As the session would come to an end, you then discuss where you feel the memories in your body, how your nervous system was still holding those memories, and work through resolving that. This can be done in many different ways, depending on your personal preference and your care provider. For me, this looked like giving the feelings in my body a shape, color, texture, smell, size, and location, and then imagining a bright light coming from above, and dissolving this object, and as I did, the physical sensation would stop.
Closure. In this step, you examine the work we had done that day, go to your calm safe space, and allow for anything that you feel had come up but not discussed to be placed in your mental chest.
Reevaluation. The final step was going back over what had recalled that day and reevaluating that original negative core belief and memory, and seeing how your perception of it had changed, to help you and your care provider make a game plan of what to target next time.
This process is done usually once a week, for 60-90 minutes, until you feel as though the trauma(s) have been resolved, or symptoms have lessened.
This process, although has been very difficult, although I have had to face some tough demons, has given my mind and body the ability to heal in ways I didn't know possible.
This process is going in, exploring different neurological connections that your mind has made, and rewiring those connections to allow your body to process and your mind to reprogram, and resolve those disturbances.
And not only does the mind do this work while you are in the sessions, but continues reprocessing in between sessions and while sleeping.
The only direct negative symptoms that have occurred for me as a result of EMDR is feeling more tired, more frequently, as my mind has continued to work, even when I am not consciously doing anything.
And the positive effects are almost instant. What would normally take years of talk therapy to begin to resolve, has begun to resolve in a matter of weeks, beliefs that I had so deeply ingrained within me have started to subside, and the frequency of negative physical responses lessened.
I am still currently doing EMDR, as it takes many many sessions to resolve all negative symptoms, especially with those involving complex trauma, and although I know the fight will be long, I know it will be worth it.
If you feel as though you may benefit from this form of therapy, talk to your mental health provider, or, if you do not currently have one, psychologytoday.com allows you to put in your zip code, as well as what requirements you would like in a mental health provider, (being certified in EMDR) and gives you a list of people in your area that you can turn to for help.
I know that this form of therapy is not common or often spoken about, which is why I wanted to discuss it here, in hopes that someone in desperate need of relief, could know of this option and its benefits.
If this is your first introduction to EMDR, and you are interested in understanding it further, https://www.emdr.com is a great resource.
If you are a survivor of abuse, of neglect, of trauma that has left you broken and alone, let this be a testament of the healing that can happen.
Your mind is a powerful thing, and it is doing everything in it's power to protect you, and sometimes that can mean leaving you with scars that do more harm than good. Leaving you with patterns and responses that although for a long time kept you alive, now may not benefit you.
Let this be a testament that there is hope. I promise you that.
There is hope.
I hope that this post has resonated with some of you, and I wish you luck on your journey of healing.
Thanks for following along.
-Cam
